Billy and Fred
(Ballad)
A bonny seaside town is Morecambe,
Much nicer than Blackpool, it’s said.
The Claytons went there for the weekend
With little ‘uns, Billy and Fred.
The caravan packed up and ready,
They’d used it again and again;
So just before tea-time on Friday,
They set off in the pouring rain.
They’d barely got out of the borough
When a wail and a cry came from Fred.
“’Es doing it, Mam, will yer tell ‘im?
‘E keeps trying to spit on me ‘ead!”
“Just pack it in right now, you monkeys,
Or here’s one thing you’ll be in no doubt,
Anymore of your silly, daft nonsense,
You’ll both be in line for a clout!”
Billy stretched his mouth with his fingers
And thrust out his wet tongue with glee.
Fred shoved him along the back seat
And squeezed Billy hard on his knee.
He squealed and he squirmed and he kicked out,
Then Mam shouted, “Dad, stop the car!
I’ll have to swap places with Billy,
They need a good hiding, by far.
“God knows how we’ll manage in Morecambe
With these two, it’s one constant fight.
Not like other families sweet children
With manners and smiles and delight.”
“Don’t fret, Mam, its fine when we get there,
They’ll busy themselves having fun.
While we can relax on our deck chairs,
We can let them run loose in the sun.”
Then the car gave a shudder and bump
And Billy said, “Ock oh! What’s that?”
Dad moaned as he steered to the roadside,
“That bloody nearside front is flat!”
Inside the caravan they waited
While Dad changed the wheel on the car
Covered in dirt and a rain-soaked shirt
And they hadn’t yet gone very far.
It was dark when they got to the site.
Fred had an ache in his belly.
Mam’s cross face was set in a frown
‘Cos Dad had forgotten the telly.
He said, “Let me get out of these clothes,
I’m soaking right through to me skin.
Mam, will yer get me a towel
And summat to put wet stuff in?”
Fred groaned from the caravan toilet.
His chin was pressed hard on his knees.
He felt very sickly and dizzy
And his mouth tasted funny, like cheese.
Billy said, “Mam, tell ‘im, its ages.
I’m burstin’ meself for a wee!”
“Oh Billy,” Mam said, “if that’s all,
Go outside, there’s no-one to see.”
The next day was warm, bright and sunny,
So off to the seaside they went;
With buckets and spades and a picnic,
A wind-breaker and a beach tent.
They hadn’t been there many minutes
When a painful cry from Billy
Sent laughing Fred to tell Mam and Dad,
“He thinks that a crab nipped his willie.”
“Oh, it’s not a crab, you silly lad!”
Mam said, “Just look at what I’ve found.”
She shook her head and sorted him out.
“It’s just yer pants on wrong way round.”
Cockles and mussels and ice-cream, too;
It was a lovely summer’s day.
Mam and Dad having a well-earned rest
While the lads were happy at play.
Pamela Winning.
